Exhale – You Can Do This

Exhale

Tell us about a time when everything seemed to be going wrong — and then, suddenly, you knew it would be alright.

This Blogging 101 assignment was very personal for me.  It took a lot for me to share this, so I hope I’ve done it justice.

Having a baby changes you, in ways you could never anticipate.  For the first four weeks after having my son, life was completely different, but it was simple too.  My husband had four weeks of leave from his job, so we didn’t have a schedule.  We slept when the bay did, stayed up late if the baby did, took turns holding the baby so the other could shower, had each other for support when he would cry for no apparent reason.

When he went back to work it was a shock.  As far as newborns go mine was a relatively easy baby.  He didn’t have colic or wind problems or anything like that, and he fed and gained weight well with no health problems to speak of.

BUT.  He fed every 1.5 to 2 hours.  I was breastfeeding so I was the only one who could get up in the night to feed him.  I would stare at hubby’s peacefully sleeping back and want to kill him sometimes.  Breastfeeding looks easy in the movies and when you see women doing it in public.  It is not.  Breastfeeding is HARD.  You worry the baby isn’t getting enough.  Your boobs hurt.  They leak A LOT.  I made too much milk and the baby would choke and scream.  I felt like a failure.

My baby refused to be put down.  He would fall asleep in my arms, then the second I laid him down in his bassinet his little eyes would pop open, and I’d want to cry with frustration.  My house was messy, and I was getting more behind because I couldn’t stand to let my tiny baby lay there and cry.  The only way he would sleep happily was on my chest while I sat on the sofa, so I would spend hours at a time there not moving for fear of waking him.

I wasn’t recovering properly from the birth, so I was still in a lot of pain.  I didn’t go to the doctor because I thought it was normal and I just had to suffer through.    I still had lingering hip and back pain that made it difficult to sit or stand for long periods,  so the hours on the couch were making it worse.  Some days I could barely walk with the pain.

Tempers got short.  My relationship with my husband began to dip.  We started snapping at each other and picking fights for no reason.   He would get home from work and instead of greeting him I would shove the baby at him and dive into a long awaited bath.  This only went on for a little while, but it felt interminable.

Then suddenly my baby was 6 weeks old.  We had gotten the hang of breastfeeding.  My milk supply had settled down and evened out.  He was sleeping better during the day.  I could get things done.  He was still feeding every couple of hours at night, but I was adjusting to the change in sleep patterns.  I’d had my 6 week check up where my doctor found everything not ok, so I was getting the treatment I needed and not in so much pain.

I woke up on the morning of my birthday to my baby boy gurgling away in his bassinet by the bed.  I leant over to pick him up to feed him.  We locked eyes and he gave me the best birthday gift I have ever received; his first real, gummy, breathtaking smile.  My heart nearly burst with love for this tiny creature, and I knew in that moment that everything was going to be alright.

*Bub is now 6 months old, and sleeping and eating like a champ.  Sits up, rolls over, eats real food, smiles, laughs, talks nonsense and hold his parents’ hearts in his little hands.  We are best buddies 🙂